My Life Starts Now

I know I haven't been here very long at this site but, I was thinking about moving.  I know more people that are going through the samething I am as a FTM over at livejournal. I think that will be where I will go back to.  I have a journal there and feel alot more comfortable at that site then I do here.  There just isn't many people transitioning here as there are there.  There isn't enough info here either.  So, this will be my last entry.  I know it was a very short run at this site but, I consider it a pretty good one.  Bye.

Update on me.  Well, I am no longer working at the place I was and now am at home.  The reason is that I was supposed to get a home job but, it didn't work out so what I plan on doing is trying out for Macy's here.  Not sure if that will work for me or not.  My other plan is that I will be taking up Medical Coding sometime hopefully next month.  I just got the papers about it today and it looks really good.  It will be a nice big change from having to deal with people over the phone all of the time.  So hopefully that will workout for me the way that I want it to.  I tell ya I feel that if you want something strongly enough then you will find a way to go after it and get it.  I really want this so I will be going after it and getting it.  Well, on that note let me tell you about my day.

Well, today is Tuesday and mom is in the shower getting to go to her meeting tonight. It is at six. Watching cooking shows on tv right now. Why? I don't know. I think I must be insane to do it. LOL! It is funny cause you would think that watching it would make me desire the food but, it doesn't bother me at all. In fact I am not even hungry yet, I heated me up the squash. I don't mind the squash at all now. When I first started this diet I had a major problem with the squash. Funny how when you get used to a certain way of eating it doesn't bother you anymore. I am very happy about that since it makes it alot easier for me to stick with it. So, I will probally try and stick with this on the side for as long as I can to lose the weight that I desire to. It will be nice to get down to the weight that I want to in the first place. Let me save this as I go along so that I don't end up erasing this. Like I have before. I think what I did before was the arrow was at the x up top and I hit the pad with my wrist and it shut it down. So I try now to place the arrow where it can't do any harm which isn't easy. I think the smartest thing to do is to shrink this page and the arrow can't hurt anything. Let me do that now. Did it. Now I won't close this out unless somehow I press some keys together that does it instead. LOL! Knowing me I will probally find a way to do that. I always seem to do that. Man I don't know why today I am having a hard time typing without mistakes. I don't normally have a problem.

Other then that Ev sent me a forward but, hasn't actually emailed me yet. I am just glad to get something from her. At least I know she is okay. I am wondering why I am worried about her for? I don't normally worry about her. So don't know why I am now. I have been going to bed really late. Like around 3 or 4am. So you know I won't wake up till around 2pm which is what I do. I need to start going to bed earlier since I do want to work. I just now am so used to staying up late and I need to stop doing that.

Well, I told mom to call up Macy's and find out if she is supposed to be called whether or not she is hired and she did. Well she did and the woman she spoke with asked her if she could come in Monday for a group interview and of course she said yes. Don't know what a group interview is all about but, it might be the same as they did at Sears. I will find out when she gets home on Monday from it. Then on Wednesday I will go down there and sign up for a job also. I though will just wait for them to call me to let me know either way.

I figure I will give them my new number instead of moms. I don't know. I will have to see. Right now I have that phone unplugged cause people I don't know are calling it everyday. I can have the 800 numbers blocked from calling me but, the problem with that is if I am waiting for a job to call me some of them call from those numbers. I also am thinking why do I even have the phone still? I mean the service? I am not using it right now. I am though going to wait till I see if I get the job at Macy's. If I do then I will shut this phone down but, if not then I will keep it in case I am able to get a home job instead or in place of working outside.

I guess you can say that for now or this coming month I don't have any plans except to try and get a job whether online or outside. Need money for November bills. So, I have to have a job in October in order to get paid in time for the bills in November. I just hope if mom does get hired that she can truly deal with working even the little bit of hours that she will be working which will be 4 hours. She hasn't worked in many years and is now 70. It isn't easy for me with the working outside so I know it won't be easy for her. Hard still for me to remember her age. She doesn't look her age or seem like it. I though think her mind is reminding her of her age and she is starting to notice it. She is forgetting more now and is getting more upset then she has before. She forgets where she puts things now alot. It is funny how organized she used to be and now she isn't very anymore. I am beginning to realize that she really probally needs to stay with me. I know she is alot more comfortable with me and won't be living with anyone else. Of course it is if she can live with me going through the changes I will be going through. If she can then I see no problem with us staying together. I know I have been saying I would love to live on my own and I would but, so far we are doing fine with being together.

Not saying my mind won't change once I am able to get a at home job making more money and enough to live off of and have plenty of spending money. But, till then I am more then willing to have us live together. If I do end up living on my own I am not sure whether I will be still living here at this apartment complex or moving into a totally different one. I might just want to start from fresh and totally over in a new place. If I do end up working from home and making really good money then I might even move to California if I can move to a really good place that isn't in the earthquake zone and near a beach. I at that time might just need a really big change in my life which one way is to move out of this state. I have been wanting to get a place out there. I will have to do tons of research before I even make the attempt to go. I will have to already have an apartment or a house to rent and have gone and seen it and have it inspected to let me know what kind of shape it is in. Also by then I will be totally male. I will be Matt.

It will be so great to be finished and done and be able to move onward with my life all the way. I won't have nothing holding me back!! I know that Ev will be blown away that I would be moving out there. BRB have to go to the bathroom. Ahhh!! Nice! Feel alot better now. Hee! Okay so back to what I was saying. Yeah it will be wonderful to be totally done and finished with my goals and to be able to be the real me finally! I will email Ev my transition photos that I am going to take as it happens. I have to share it with her cause she would never forgive me if I just went on ahead and went through with it all without telling her or showing her how far I am while I am going through it. Plus, it will help me to have someone to share it all with. That I know I will need while I go through it all. Hopefully she will still have time to chat with me when I need to. If not then I will deal with that too. Either way I will be going totally through with the change. Even if it is going through it all by myself with only a therapist to talk to.

While I type this I am watching Transfomers. Why? Don't know. I already saw it but, figure I need to watch it agian. Hee! Other then that all is really good. I can't complain about anything. All is good. I really can't wait also till I can get my eyes done so that I won't need glasses anymore to see. That will be wonderful for me! I have worn them for far too long now. Will be great not to have them. I know that I currently have alot of goals to fulfill but, they aren't too many and so it isn't impossible to fulfill them. At least that is the way that I truly feel. Now whether that will happen or not I have yet to find out. I just feel that I need to work hard on my end to make them all happen. None of them will happen without alot of money. So, I will have to make a way for that to happen. Which means me studying for a job that I can make major money in. So that is my plans. I am still waiting for the info from Penn schooling on the Medical Coding. Once I am able to afford to take it up I will be taking it up. Hold on for a second I need water. Okay that is better now. really need to slow down on the drinking of coffee. Gonna switch over to watching my new fav movie. Hold on agian. Hee! My only wish is that it was clearer. But, that won't happen till it comes out on DVD. Can't wait till that happens. It will be great once it is out on DVD. I will be buying it but, only from blockbusters. Don't know how I will get it though since I most likely won't have the use of the car I don't believe. Only will if I get hired to work at Macy's. Then I will have the time to go there and grab it and then run home afterwards. I will have to see what happens. The good thing with living on your own is that you can then order movies online and have it delivered to you at your apartment. I would but, mom would hate that. So, like I said we shall see what takes place later on.

I think on Monday we will find out if mom has the job at Macy's or not. Normally they let ya know when they interview you but, it might be different there. I don't know. I just know what I went through when I interviewed for my two jobs that they let me know right then and there. Of course every place is not the same. Don't know if I will be chatting with Ev tonight or not. Will have to check and see about that later on tonight. LOL someone is whistling outside. Hee! Now I hear a dog howling. ROFLOL! Too funny man!

I have to say I just hope like crazy that once I do start the T injections that I can start acting more like a guy. Right now I feel I act too much like a female then I do a guy. I know most females that are changing over already act like a male. I don't know why I am not the sameway. I think it is cause I was raised being so much a female that it is harder to break for me then most FTM's. I just wish I could be totally myself without worrying what others will say or how they will react. I do it in small chunks. It is hard to tell a company that you work for about the change cause they will ask you if your already in therapy and to say no sounds stupid. Why would you tell them then if you haven't even started the process? Doesn't make any sense. It would make more if you were already in the process of changing yourself. I am not yet, I wish I was already started. Need lots of money for it to start. I need to find out number one how much the therapy sessions are going to cost me and how many times a week I need to go see her. With me working I will probally only be able to go once a week but, if I am working in the afternoons and the later afternoons then I will be able to go in the mornings to see the therapist. Then, if I am able to afford it I can go more then once a week to her. That way I can hurry up the process of getting the T started and the surgery for my chest going. It will be wonderful if I could afford at least three times a week. Now that would rock!!! Hold on have to go back to bathroom! Ahh! Done! Would love it if I could get a therapist that I could afford to go to that many times a week so that I could hurry up the process. Who knows it might just happen.

Anyway, gonna see what is on tv at the sametime that I am listening to music on the laptop. Oh yeah NCIS is on tonight! Haven't seen them in forever! At least they are still on the tv and haven't been cancelled like every other great show. Gonna look online and see what tonights episode is about. Waiting for the page to finish loading. It takes a little bit. Thankfully the internet is as fast as it is supposed to be now and I can get sites better then I have before. I am happy now! Ya know I am very happy now that I can swim on the net at a good speed. Funny how this is the second speed up from the fourth speed that they have and it is rather fast to me. I can't imagine how fast the last speed is supposed to be. I think I have to go back to the bathroom agian. BRB!! Back!  Man NCIS just killed one of there own! Damn it! It was the one I really liked alot!

Watching this show really makes me miss La femme nikita badly!! It just reminds me of watching it every week! I so can't wait till I can get the DVD's and then I will be able to watch it every day if I want to. Yes as you can tell I am rather dying for the series. LOL! Yes I am nutty as can be. That is what happens when you have way too much time on your hands as I do right now. I tell ya it must be nice to have a rich family or to come into loads of money or to win something where you don't have to worry about bills and money anymore. I would love to have that happen to me yet at the sametime I don't know about that. I wonder if I would be able to deal with it all if I was able to do whatever I really wanted to whenever I wanted to and had the money to do it with. Who knows? Maybe I would be fine dealing with it fine. BRB! Back! Mom is home now! I got my Penn Foster stuff tonight in the mail for the Medical Coding. It looks really good!! I am going to take it up when I can afford to. I know I can do this and pass it then I can get a good paying job in it. I will though have to work outside of the house for a bit while till I can get enough experience within the field to work from home. Then I can start working from home and then I won't have to get a job where I have to deal with people over the phone. I would love that chance to have a job just like that. That is my perfect kind of job. Now I just have to work hard to get my perfect job! That I am positive about! I now can't wait to be able to afford to take up this schooling and get started on my future job!! YES!! While I am waiting I will still be schooling in my AA books so that I can hurry up and get that finished so that I won't keep having two programs or schooling that I will be working on. I really want to just have the one that I can totally concentrate on instead of the both of them. I am overjoyed that I can do the Medical Coding and that it only has one math part that I can really deal with without any problems.

Anyway, once agian I have written a book! LOL!

If your wondering what I am talking about then I will explain.  I am a MTF pre.  Which means I haven't started going through the change yet but, do plan on it when I can afford to start the process.  I think what I wrote kind of explains it.  Anyway, that is me and my plans.  I don't mind questions about it if any have some.  Other then that nothing more to say for now.  I am though trying to write more in here more often.  I have to remember to do that while I am home without a job.  Once I get a fulltime job I won't have much time to be on here.  Would love it if I could just get a typing job!  I only type 50wpm but, it is better then nothing.  Hee!  I am trying really hard to up that to at least 60wpm for now.  I would love to get up to 75 when I can.  I used to belong to another kind of journal site that I would look at others blogs that had to do with MTF and FTM transitions.  I haven't been back there in a long time.  It was called Livejournal.  I don't even recall my username or password.  Oh well.  I can still go there to look at others blogs if I so desire.  Okay enough rambling.  ;-)  Till I have more to say!

Anne as Matt 

Who is the very first friend you ever had?  Are you still in touch?

My very first friend was someone I had in JR High School.  She was a nice person yet, not free.  She couldn't do alot of things that I could.  Her family was very possive over her especially her mother.  I couldn't hang out with her after school because I wasn't of the same religon as her family was.  I only knew her during JR High.  After we graduated I lost touch with her.  Sad I did but, knew there was no way it would work outside of school.  I am kind of sad about that.  Other then her I now have a best friend in her 40's.  I am 35 right now.  Will be 36 in January.  Man time flies!  She is a good friend cause I can go to her apartment whenever I want or need to.  I work at Sears and sometimes you just need a break from working.  So, over the weekends I go to her place and hangout, watch tv and just chill.  I love being able to do that.  It is great not having anything to do except relax. 

I am in training right now at my job.  I have to say I love my job.  I have two weeks to go before I am offically working there.  It is a call center.  It is a nice job where I can move up easily.  I am currently taking up Administrative Assistant schooling at home.  I can then use it at the job and work in that field.  I like jobs that you can stay in and move up in.  I can see myself doing that here. 

Right now I am living in Arizona.  Won't say excatly where but, lets just say it is very hot here right now since summer is here.  Man I can't wait for it to get cooler.  That is one thing I can't stand about out here.  I just want cooler weather.  Need it but, really can't move where it is cooler cause of the job.  It only takes me ten minutes to get there and home.  Love it!  I bring my lunch from home to work.  It is cost efficient.  Need to do everything I can to save money.  Reason?  Well, it is cause I am wanting to move into a one bedroom by myself.  I currently live with my mother.  Yes my mother.  I have for a long time.  We get along okay but, I truly desire to have my own place.  We will remain in the same complex so that if she needs me I will be there for her.  It is just that I have never lived on my own and would like to experience that.  It also gets harder to live together with family the older you get and when your goals don't quite go along with that other family member.  That is when it gets rather uncomfortable.  So, it is time. 

We are moving into a one bedroom together so that both of us can save up money to get our own one bedroom apartments.  It will most likely take both of us staying together for a year.  I was hoping six months instead but, don't know if either one of us will be ready by then cause I need to also save for a car.  We do have a car but, it is mom's and we are paying on it.  Can't stand the amount we are paying on it.  Makes no sense.  So, I am needing to let this one go and actually buy a car from AAA so that I will own the car outright. 

So, for now that is me in a kind of nutshell.  Hope ya enjoy!